s t i l l

innocence, still.

The words the Lord has been speaking to me recently. over and over again. and I’m finally listening.

Pattaya is a cruel place, it messes with your heart, your soul, your body, and your mind. and it hardly ever lets up. I’ve seen it affect my heart in feeling pain so deep I could have never imagined. I have seen it affect my soul in feeling lower than I’ve ever felt. feeling heavy more days than I feel light. I’ve seen it affect my body with lack of appetite & trouble sleeping, and I’ve seen it affect my mind maybe most of all. through all the evil this city has put in front of my eyes. it doesn’t just disappear. It lingers for what seems like a lifetime as darkness creeps into my thoughts and dreams without ceasing and shame claims my identity.

It has taken a long time to navigate the impacts this city has had on me. Its been messy and confusing and harder than I anticipated. but Jesus has been so faithful through and through. I’ve seen the evil,  I’ve felt the heaviness, and I’ve processed the pain. all of the darkness my eyes have seen and all the stories my ears have heard is what began to fill my head. due to the constant exposure to evil and the heaviness that inevitably follows, I felt completely dirty. the flashbacks that would happen daily, the nightmares that would occur nightly, the panic attacks that would be triggered by literally everything in this city. I felt gross. I felt unclean. I felt polluted and impure.

I concluded that my innocence was gone. taken. and that I would have to accept that there was no going back. but Jesus told me something different. as I begged Him for innocence again. He told me innocence still. Theres no need to be given it again when it was never lost. I am still the innocent child full of light and beauty that I was a year ago. I am still clean. still pure. still full of life. still joy. still redeemed. still white. still His. and nothing can take that from me. no evil seen or heard can change my identity of purity.

but as I lived in the identity the enemy wanted me to for months. convinced that I was unclean, dirty, unworthy, and corrupted beyond repair. it was so believable. the enemy is so good at that isn’t he? making the lies seem so real. I was so weighted down and blinded by the heaviness that I began to claim it as my own, and I couldn’t see that Jesus was there lifting it off and offering me life daily.

innocence still He says. offering me truth and light. waiting for me to step back into my true identity. that the things I’ve seen do not define me. the thoughts, the flashbacks, the triggers, and the nightmares do not get to tell me who I am. the enemy is a liar. and Jesus brings me complete truth. so I’m choosing to wake every morning and believe what Jesus says about me. that no amount of filth can pollute the clear river of water that He has made me to be. no sin, no evil, no darkness can change the truth of who He says I am.

when the enemy tells me its over. you’re done for. I get to tell him that he’s wrong. theres hope & healing & beauty. 

“then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free” John 8:32

So here are some of the truths I’ve been meditating on day and night these past six months.

“Whoever dwells in the shelter of the most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. He will cover you with His feathers and under His wings you will find refuge” Ps 91:1,4

“I must let the perseverance finish its work so that I may be mature and complete, not lacking anything” James 1:2-4

“Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always. Remember the wonders He has done.” Ps 105:4-5

“The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing” Ps 23:1

“When you walk though the fire you will not be burned, the flames will not consume you” Is 43:2

“He set my feet on a rock & gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.” Ps 40:3-4

” I will build you up again” Jeremiah 31:4

“For He is a God of justice” Ps 50:6

“Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me” Ps 54:4

I hope these truths can encourage you that this is not the end. Jesus has plans & big ones at that. He will carry you through. You are not defined by anything except all the beauty Jesus says about you. I hope you feel the freedom to throw down the lies and shame and once again step into the identity that has been there waiting for you all along. Whether you’ve lost it for a while or you’re just finding it for the first time, it is there,  s t i l l. and nothing can take it away from you. innocence still. even here.