nope. I don’t like this one bit. I still wake up sad that I’m here in America and not in Asia. I don’t like that I still have three months until I can go back. I don’t like the anxiety of waiting- sitting here restless with nothing to do. I don’t like that I’m still experiencing reverse culture shock and still figuring out the whole re-entry thing ( which I doubt I’ll ever fully get a grip on either one). I don’t like that I still constantly feel like an outsider. I don’t like that no one knows what to do with me, or how to relate. I don’t like that people are insensitive to the work I do. I don’t like the waiting process, the stillness, the recovery and healing, the feeling and dealing with the trauma, the hurt, & the loss, the processing and thinking and talking and figuring out what the heck just happened. I don’t like the in-between season that I am in. From one grand adventure to the next, I’m slowly realizing this season in itself is an adventure, though one of which I’m not a fan of.
So here I am, in this season of waiting. Feeling completely restless and ready to leave. And I would leave tomorrow, but Jesus clearly spoke ‘wait, I have something for you right here in this in-between’. God has brought me to this season of stillness. This season of recovery & healing & resting & feeling & dealing. A season of rediscovering myself. A season where Jesus is picking me up off the floor & giving me strength to dance & live & laugh again. A season where I realized a part of me died while being overseas and then understanding that that might not be such a bad thing- for I am a new creation. A season of convictions and revelations and romances with the King. A season where I can no longer hide behind my travels, or ministry, or a screen. Where all my sins & struggles & issues are surfacing and everyone is around to watch it happen. A season where I am a complete emotional wreck. A season where I wear a huge target for the enemy as I feel him doing whatever he can to stop me from moving and going and doing. Where he fills my head with lies that my time home is pointless and meaningless because I’m not moving or going or doing a n y t h i n g.
I’m at a standstill and I don’t like it at all.
But Jesus, during this time isn’t asking me to move or go or do a n y t h i n g. He is asking me to stay & be & dwell with Him. He is showing me the purpose and beauty of the stillness. He is teaching me that resting in His nearness is the best thing I could do and in His presence is the best place I could be. That I can pour out my heart & pain & tears to Him because He feels the same. He is teaching me that this season is essential for the next. That I need to stay a bit longer and heal & feel & grieve & process & recover with people that love me so dearly. He asks me to draw near and stay in His arms as He romances me back to life. He is teaching me to be present in the peace that comes in the ‘now’. That this is the best way to process the past and prepare for the future. To enjoy community & family & friends. To trust His holy leadership as my Father that this is where I need to be in this moment. Holding onto the promises and truths that He speaks louder than the any lie the enemy whispers. He’s teaching me that contentment is not a place or season but it is Him. That joy is not circumstantial , but it is Him. Its the constantly delighting in the Lord as He delights in me. I’ll tell ya, I’ve traveled the world once or twice but I’ve never found anything sweeter or stronger or better than being & living & dwelling in His love.
“Remain in my love” John 15:9
He is teaching me not to be in a hurry to escape the discomfort of the in-between but to embrace this season of stillness. To find peace knowing that seeking Him is my only priority. Reminding me that I live is to worship Him and right now worshiping Him looks like waiting and drawing close. He is teaching me a lot about my worth. Where do I put mine? where does it come from? They are worth it, am I? And a lot about my identity. and I realized that somewhere in the last year I lost a part of myself. A friend I served in Thailand with put it nicely “its not that we lost ourselves, its that we found our selves too much in something else”. That we found our worth and identity too heavily in our ministry and calling and that when all of that was ripped from us, we didn’t know who the heck we were. what our lives were about, or what we were supposed to do.
“…and in Christ you have been brought to fullness” Colossians 2:10
As I sit here completely bare before the Father, He continuously and patiently reminds me whose I am. That I am His first and foremost. I am made complete in Him. In His arms. That I am not limited to my calling and that that’s not what gives me purpose or life. My life has purpose simply because of whose I am, not what I do. I am found in the One that called me, not the calling. I am a co-heir of the King who loves me with a most intense and furious and tender love that I could never fully comprehend. and I am found solely in Him, my identity is found solely in Him, my worth is found solely in Him. And its in this season where I feel completely useless that God gently reminds me that I am purposeful, valuable, loved, & cherished even in the stillness, even when all is stripped, even in the waiting- because my value doesn’t change. I am of the same valuable as I sit here basking in the glory of the King or as I travel the world declaring the glory of the King to the nations. and its because I know this that I can share this message of truth with others. Its foundational. Its one of the reasons for this season of waiting. Re-discovering who I am, apart from my ministry, calling, and passion. The one thing that remains when all of that is stripped away is Him. I am His forevermore, no matter what, no matter where. This is truth. My life has purpose and value because I am His. His daughter. His bride. His prize. His vessel to use however He best sees fit.
Its only when I’m fully found in Him that I can fully feel, fully serve, fully give, fully love, and fully step into my calling.
So I’ll sit here, resting & dwelling & waiting & enjoying the contentment of the Father’s arms as He patches me up and makes me new. As we laugh together, cry together, dance together and delight in each other. I’m learning to rejoice in this season because its good- even if I don’t like it. to embrace this season and all the fullness & beauty & pain & discomfort that it has to offer. Because He is good and I choose to trust Him.
I am His beloved & He has me where He wants me- that’s something to rejoice in.