*long post ahead*
If you didn’t know, now you know…IM BACK IN AMERICA.
I felt the Lord ushering me to come home a little bit earlier than planned which gave me opportunity to surprise my loved ones! Its been unreal to be back here with them.
Although there have been times throughout this year where I would have done anything to come home, I found that leaving Thailand, and overseas in general was a lot harder than I anticipated. Many things in my life have changed in the last year, one of those being my home. The status of where home is has shifted from America to Europe to South America and to all over Asia. There’s a saying that goes “home is where the heart is” and of course my heart is fully in Jesus, but my heart is also in each one of these places. A big chunk of my heart is in Norway, where God shifted everything I ever thought I knew and built me back up to be the woman I was always meant to be. To experience true freedom and joy that comes from deep down within, flowing from Jesus. Where I experienced the deepest love from Jesus and from so many of His people. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so loved. Where I snot cried on countless different floors for countless hours because I was so undone by all that Jesus is. Where sleeping in storage closets turned out to not be so bad because I had the most amazing friends. A part of my heart will always be in Cyprus where I saw numerous refugees and tourists coming to Jesus and being healed as the gospel was going out everywhere I looked. Where God taught me that living on a mission is a lifestyle not just a season or a year. There’s a chunk of my heart in the tiny church in Colombia where I cried and prayed with people for almost an hour. That’s where God showed me the beauty in the pain of my recovery process, that through my healing and hurt, I could identify with the pain of others even if we didn’t speak the same language. And then the tiny village slum in Mexico where I got to hold the young girl that God gave me a dream about the night before and show her that her Father loves her abundantly. Even though it was a really rough time, there will always be a part of my heart in Indonesia, whether it be the little orphanage I lived at in Jakarta, the prison where I befriended the sweetest Thai woman in Bali, or the dressing room of a strip club where I shared the love of Jesus with the nicest Indonesian girl. I think maybe the biggest part of my heart has been left with all the women I’ve come to truly love in the red light districts of Pattaya, Thailand, where I have loved harder than I ever thought possible. Where my heart was w r e c k e d every night (and every day still) as I spent countless hours with these women forced to work in the sex industry. As I saw what they go through daily, and listened to them telling me their dreams and aspirations but watched them continue selling themselves in order to provide for their families. My heart is scattered in the nations and I like it that way. I love my new home, the places and people I’ve been able to leave my heart with. This is my home, the spontaneous, challenging, wild, and simple life of running around the world with Jesus and for Jesus.
So I’m not really coming home as much as I am leaving home to go back to a place I once knew, but will now be a complete foreigner in. And I think that’s why its so hard to leave the nations and go back to America, because I know America is not home anymore. Just as I missed America when I left it for the first time in January, I’m gonna miss being overseas. I’ll be homesick for a while, so give me grace when it comes to adjusting back into convenient life of living in America. I have fallen in love with culture, languages, and people and I’m not gonna lie, it scares me to death thinking about not having people come up to me every other minute trying to speak a foreign language to me, or better yet them laughing at me when I try to speak the few words I know of the native language.
Not only has my home shifted, but my normal has shifted. It has shifted from needing a bed to sleep in, to sleeping on church floors in Denmark and airport floors in Malaysia and being completely content with that. It has shifted from being too picky to ever try anything new, to eating whatever I can get my hands on for the mere sake of survival. Its taking cold showers with horrible water pressure and being totally okay with that. Its motorbikes and tuk tuks, and killing cockroaches and knowing that its okay that I’m terrified of them. My normal is sharing the love of Jesus in the bars, brothels, streets, prisons, and orphanages of developing countries. Its loving the prostitute, the trafficked, the orphan, the convict, the lost, the hurting, and the homeless with such intense love that nearly destroys me everytime. Its shamelessly wearing the same outfit four times a week and carrying the little bit that I do own on my back. Its clotheslines and instant coffee. Its fruit stands and the noodle lady. Its being content with the little we have. Its learning to tolerate ALOT of uncomfort and keep enduring even though it feels like it could kill you. Its voluntarily walking into the heaviest and darkest places that exist no matter the danger it holds, because you know you carry the victory of Jesus with you. This has become my new norm and boy have I come to love it. Its simple, its fun, its the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and its wildly captivating. While there are some things that I will not miss like squatty potties, bucket showers, and the 90% humidity of southeast Asia, there is PLENTY that I’m gonna miss like crazy. I love the simplicity of life in these countries. Where you have to work a little harder to get most things cause they’re not right at your fingertips. Where you have one maybe two choices at the grocery store (?more like 7 eleven or family mart) instead of the hundreds I know I’m gonna have at Target. Where you get overly excited for boxed mac and cheese and reeses pieces after not having them for almost a year. Its appreciating the little things like community, family dinners, and movies nights (even if the movie takes two hours to load). Its driving home on motorbike and getting stuck in a monsoon at 2am and being soaked the whole way home, but really not being mad about it at all. Its the endless coffee and tea dates that are always life giving. Its knowing that even though we don’t have much, we have Jesus and we have each other and we are gonna be okay.
This has been my simple yet exhilarating life for the past ten months and I’ll be honest, I am not ready to leave it but God has spoken very clearly that its time for me to come “home”. That I have fought the good fight, I’ve fought long and hard in some of the darkest places on earth. I’ve endured more than most are willing to. I’ve seen some of the most devastating horrors imaginable and let them completely break me for the sake of compelling me to action, as God uses these sights that won’t leave my mind to build a fiery passion and determination to see the end of these injustices. And I feel completely beaten up, kicked around, exhausted, and torn apart. I hear God saying to me “Daughter, you did great. Now its time to rest”, as he picks me up off the floor and brings me to a safe place to recover, heal, and rebuild my strength. So in order for me to be able to return to the battle, and fight harder, stronger, and longer, I need to let God pick me up and take me home as He shows me how to embrace the p a i n of recovery that is so beautiful. As I heal from the immense horrors I have seen and experienced. I am returning to America stronger but also weaker than I left it.
“Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again: from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up” Psalm 71:20
If you are still reading this long post, first off thanks! as You can see transition back to western living is gonna be challenging as I grieve the loss of so many things while trying to embrace the new season God has me in. If your wondering how you can help make this re entry easier for me, trust me so am I! I have no idea how I’m gonna handle life back in America. I went to more countries and experienced more intense things in one year than most will in a lifetime. I’m gonna need time to process and grieve the loss of the life I’ve left, the people I’ve met, the parts of my heart that are now all over the world. I’ve only been home for a couple of days, but everything is already so unfamiliar and foreign to me, its like I have to relearn how Americans live and what normal is here, and its all REALLY overwhelming. I was stunned as I went back to my parents house and saw the abundance of candles that were laying around as I remember just a week ago how I would have done anything for just one fall smelling candle. Five nights ago I was sitting in one of the sleeziest brothels in Thailand, laughing with the sweetest girl forced to sell her body , and now I’m sitting on a couch safe and curled up with my dog and a blanket in the comfort of America, but its not comfortable to me at all, its foreign. I find myself observing a lot, as I remember what normal here is, and try my best to I take it all in, and figure out what to do with it all. I love the fact that through living in Asia I have adopted so much of their culture, and I’m really not ready to leave it. So give me grace if I feel like I need to take my shoes off before entering the house, or if I accidentally say ‘hello’ or ‘thank you’ in a foreign language, or if I want to wear my Thai pants or missionary sandals for the next month, or if I completely forget seat belts are a thing. Help me as I learn how to incorporate my new culture with western culture while seeing the beauty in both.
I am gonna need a lot of help processing this past year. There may be days or even weeks where I don’t feel like leaving the house, where I don’t feel like I can leave the house. And while I am an internal processor and could journal for hours, I need to talk about my experiences, heck I want to talk about all I’ve seen God do and all the unbelievable testimonies! I want to share with you everything God has taught me. So ask me questions- specific questions that help me think and process, but give me grace if I end up going on a complete tangent. Let me show you pictures of people and places that have captivated my heart. Ask me to coffee or lunch, and let me unpack everything that has happened. I need to talk about it, the good and the bad. Ask me to share testimonies and stories, and encourage me to talk through the parts of this year that were hard. But do not ask me if you do not want to know because the things I will share are precious to me, they are places I’ve left my heart, people that I have watched God love so radically, and stories that have changed my life forever. They are special to me and I don’t want to pass them around if you won’t treasure them.
I will definitely experience reverse culture shock so give me grace if I randomly start crying at Starbucks, or if I’m overwhelmed by the options at the grocery store. Give me grace if I can’t talk about certain things yet, or feel like I need to be alone for awhile. There are some days I won’t want to think about anything and binge watching netflix with a friend sounds absolutely perfect. I want to see you guys, I want to see all of you, I want to share everything, but give me time and space to process and grieve and adjust. Let me talk for hours and process through stuff, but respect if I just want to turn off my brain and watch a movie with you! Just like you want to know about my year, I want to know about yours! Tell me things! I want to know! Tell me things I’ve missed since being away from America- I’m gonna feel like a complete foreigner in my own country because I have missed so much and changed so much so be gentle with me as I’m at quite a fragile place. Encourage me and speak life. I have been to some very difficult places and have seen some very traumatic things. I have been on the front lines of battle for a while now and I’ve gotten pretty beat up emotionally, mentally, and spiritually- encourage me to rest as I embrace the pain of recovery and let Jesus heal me. My ministry has changed a lot over the year, but the foundation stays the same- loving others. I’ve been really good at loving others, but please help me as I learn to love and prioritize myself again. I probably won’t want to, but encourage me to take care of myself, remind me of the importance of that.
One last thing, I LOVE YOU GUYS. There is no way I could have endured this past year without your constant love and support. I hope you understand the incredible affect your prayers and encouraging words have had on me throughout this journey. Thank you for embracing me in this transition back ‘home’, I cannot wait to see you all!
