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“Open up you’re heart and let me in” – Jesus

Shame is a cruel cruel tactic of the devil. If you´ve been following along, you know that    I´ve been on a journey this year with the Lord. A journey of trauma and grief and recovery and pain and hiding and shame and renewal and light all in one. It has been painful and beautiful, but I wouldn´t change it for the world because Jesus has been so faithful through every step. He has never stopped whispering sweet invitations for me to come back to his heart. to come back home.

I´ve been in Norway for two weeks now, getting time away from the city. Time to let my body and mind and soul rest. Time to let the Lord do whatever it is He wanted to do in me. He told me to rest- like really rest. Like take as many naps you want kind of rest. I was INTO that. naps, decaf coffee, norwegian chocolate, painting, reading, walks to the coast, and more naps. jesus is sweet like that. he isnt in a rush for my healing. he is with me in. he wants to be a part of the journey. he wants me to let him be a part of it. So I rested. and I cried. alot. I think my body and subconcious finally felt safe enough to let some things out and its refreshing. I´ve finally felt safe enough to let some people into my heart. safe enough to open some windows and gates in the very efficient house I built around myself this year. I finally felt safe enough to even stick my head out the door a little. to let the world see me and let the light shine on me. It was a terrifying thing. its still a terrifying thing.

“Look my way my love”

Jesus has patiently held my hand through this process of restoration. Patiently led me step by step back home to him. even after I had hid from him for so many months. I was ashamed. ashamed of the effects of the trauma, ashamed that I had to take a break, ashamed how bad my anxiety got, ashamed that I don’t want to spend time with him because I’m ashamed. shame is powerful and it has done everything it can to keep me from jesus and from friends. Today I felt safe enough to reflect with jesus on this past year. How I felt alone, unpure, exposed, shaken, and confused – jesus showed me that he was there the whole time. he didn´t let me drown and he didnt let me burn.

I havent felt safe a lot lately. but here in the quiet of Norway, I felt safe enough to let jesus sit near me again. to tell him the things deep deep in my soul. the things that wake me up in the middle of the night. the things im afraid of and the things I’m ashamed of. the things I’ve seen and the things I’ve heard. I decided it was time to come out of my hiding spot and talk to the father. Coming out of hiding is scary but I know Jesus is safe. and I’m free and safe and sound to walk unashamed out of my protective house, face to face with the Lord – knowing that He has been waiting for me to come out of hiding for so long now. He has wanted to be a part of this journey, but I just didnt know how to let him in. I didn’t know how to let anyone in. but step by step, layer by layer, brick by brick, jesus is helping me take down the walls of shame because there is no need to hide from the father. He is the safest person to run to.

“Come out of hiding, you´re safe here with me” 

He´s patient and kind and full of wonder and I’m thankful I have a Savior who patiently, step by step, helps restore me to fullness. I’m thankful to be coming out of hiding even if its terrifying. Its worth it to let Him in. Its better to let Him in. He has been waiting for me to let Him in. Thats the beautiful thing of the Father. He will never force his way in, he gently and patiently waits for me to come out of my hiding spot as he picks me up and takes me home. He has been drawing me back to himself, back to home, back to his heart, back to safety and trust and beauty. I´m safe. Im home with my faithful faithful Father. Home safe in His heart, where I was always meant to be. hallelujah