J's Journey

dwell

I can’t explain what happened because I don’t even know. What I do know is that our team was betrayed, hurt, and lied to. I was real angry for the first couple weeks I found out. We poured our hearts out and in return we were slapped across the face with lie after lie. Every time I thought about the situation, I was mad- which I welcomed happily because it was healthy & expected. Tonight I wanted to get past the anger and as I dug with the Lord, I found a heart that is simply aching.

What I discovered in this process was surprising – my soul longed to be with the Lord more than ever before. Nothing anyone said was helping, nothing I did to distract myself was working, but being with the Father was where I wanted to be more than anything. I never really gave Psalm 42 a second glance until I came across it in the midst of this chaos. The writer shares his pain “my tears have been my food day & night” v3. What I gathered from that verse is that as the tears streamed down his face and landed on his lips- it was the only thing his body was receiving- it was his only food. He had no appetite. Its intense but its real and I so respect this writer. Then he goes on to find consolation by remembering better days with the Lord: “These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go to the house of God under the protections of the Mighty One with shouts of joy and praise” v 4. He remembered that God’s presence was the best place for him. He remembered promises and joy and peace with the Father.

“Why my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my savior my God” v 5

What I’ve found is that through this pain and confusion and anger, being with Jesus is the only thing that brings me peace. He is the only one who can comfort my soul so deeply. My heart has been desiring more than ever to be with Him, to dwell with Him, to abide with Him, listen to Him, live in His presence. I could just sit with him forever. My heart is chasing after Him because it knows that He is what I need. I’m desperate for Him. and He is so capturing my heart, showing me His sweet face. Through all that this month has been, He is what my soul needs. My soul thirsts for Him over and over again- every morning & every evening.

You give me permission to sit back and listen to the rhythm of Your heart. So that’s where you’ll find me. Simply resting in Your love and Your love for me. I could sit with You for days ~ Jesus Worldwide Music

So this isn’t a sad post. My heart will be fine- it always is. This is a happy post because Jesus is real. He is alive. He is faithful & He seeks us out in the midst of our pain just wanting to sit and be with us.

“Deep calls to deep, in the roar of your waterfalls: all your waves and breakers have swept over me” v 7

Deep calls to deep he says. Even in the breaking, even in the drowning. Especially in the breaking and especially in the drowning- He is there, calling out to us. In these places where we can’t seem to catch our breath, I think our hearts find Jesus’ heart in a way that could only come from the breaking and the drowning. From the depth of His spirit to the depth of mine.

Jesus has been speaking to me continuously about dwelling with Him- its the foundation of our relationship. Abiding with the Lord is at the core of my being. I don’t know how not to. To dwell, to live, to abide, to just be with Him. Rest with Him, laugh with Him, drink coffee with Him, live inseparable from Him. That is my hope for 2019. To be with Him continuously, ever abiding and dwelling and sitting and loving and laughing and crying – He’s in the midst of it all.

I could sit with you for days, I could sit with you forever. I will give you all my praise, no one can love me better ~ Jesus Worldwide Music

So whether pain or joy, my soul chooses to stay with Him. Letting Him sustain, guide, strengthen, and dwell. He is so good & He’s captured my heart completely

“As a deer pants for waters my soul thirsts for you” Ps 42: 1

peace

“The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing He makes me life down in green pastures. He leads me beside quiet waters. He refreshes my soul” Ps 23: 1-3

These past couple months have been INSANE. Lots of good things and lots of hard things. But through it all, Ive seen the faithfulness of the Lord like never before. He’s speaking a lot lately and I’m not mad about.

Because this place is a constant source of chaos, its easy to feel overwhelmed. Recently, I have asked God so many times to help calm the anxiety, stress, and worries that cloud my mind daily. His response- “rest”. I didn’t like that. Resting wasn’t gonna help get all the work done. Resting wasn’t going to reach all the men and women being exploited. Resting wasn’t going to help us build relationships with those being trafficked. Boy was I wrong. Resting, being still, & dwelling, has saved my sanity these days. Jesus revealed to me that if I can’t get myself to stop working and worrying and stressing, it shows that I’m not trusting Him. If I really think that I can’t take take a day off because all these girls out here need me, that is showing God that I don’t trust Him to take care of them. If I can stop stressing about ‘S’, a girl I so desperately want to join our program, if I stop doing everything in my power to get her to come to school, if I stop obsessing, stressing, and loosing sleep over her safety, it shows that I finally trust that God to take care of her. Her leaving the bars is not in my power anyways. God is doing the heavy lifting, He is the one doing the hard work. He is the one saving. He is the one changing hearts. I’m just a participant, which means I can stop. I can do all that I can do in one day and then I can rest. When I am in the mindset that I am going to fix it all and get all these girls out of prostitution and into our program- of course I’m going to feel the pressure, of course I’m going to feel overwhelmed, of course I’m going to think there is no time to rest. but when I know that God is doing the work, that He’s taking care of it & doing the heavy lifting, I can rest because these girls’ well being is not dependent on me. The pressure is off. I do what my father says, and then I rest.

“Im so forgetful but you always remind me, your the only one who brings me peace.” ~United Pursuit

I’m finding Him in a way I could only find him if I’ve come to the end of my rope. I have found that I cannot do this in my own strength, this work will destroy me. If I’m constantly thinking that its up to me to save these girls, of course I’m not going to sleep. He’s showing me that its possible to live in perfect peace amongst the abundant chaos – because He is the Prince of Peace. I’m beginning to realize that the chaos here is not going to stop anytime soon so instead of trying to pray it away, I need to learn to dwell with the Lord in the midst of it. Being found solely in His love, living in the secret place. I’ve come to learn that when I allow myself to rest, trusting that God is going to take care of everything while I do, I can sleep and breathe, knowing He sustains me and He sustains them. I have to have boundaries. I have to stop working long enough to remember who sustains me. Remember who is running the whole show. I have to breathe deep the name of Jesus. I have to stop many times throughout the day and look into His eyes and just say His name. I have to say ‘no’ more often. Its not always easy because its giving up control. Giving up doing everything myself and letting God do what He does best. Letting Him be the star here. It’s stopping, looking at His face, and choosing to rest, to be still, and to praise Him for what he is doing. Because He is bringing home the victories.

“You go before I know, that you’ve already gone to win my war. You come back with the head of my enemy, and you call it my victory. and all I did was praise” – Upper Room Music

Through resting and choosing to be still and reconnect my heart with Jesus’ more frequently- we have seen Him bring home the most insane victories. Our outreach team, for the first time, was able to help an internationally trafficked woman come to safety. Now she is safe with us and we are working to repatriate her to her home country very soon. This is something I have been praying for for seven months now and it only happened when I gave up control. When I gave up trying to do it all myself. It was only because of Jesus that we randomly met her on the street. It was only because of Jesus that she trusted us enough to call us for help, and that she felt safe enough to actually accept our help. On top of this beautiful miracle, our Shear Love class for 2019 is overflowing with students! We have never had more than seven beauty students and we already have thirteen confirmed for next year! That’s something only Jesus could do. and the craziest thing is that we didn’t know most of these girls until they showed up to interview. It wasn’t in our team’s efforts that they came, but it was Jesus speaking to their hearts and setting up super duper divine appointments to get them here. God’s plan for these girl’s lives will not be stopped. He knows exactly who is supposed to come to school and he will make it happen. and thats why I can rest, because He cannot be stopped. He is running the show. None of this is up to me. The pressure is off. And its so beautiful because as these victories were rolling in, I wasn’t stressing, I wasn’t worrying about doing everything perfectly- because Jesus was the one doing it. I’m seeing that what I’ve been trying to, I can’t do. I can’t change the hearts of others, I can’t create divine appointments, I have no way of knowing who is ready to join our program- but Jesus does and can and He is doing just that. The pressure is off because those things simply aren’t in my strength or capability, so I might as well stop trying to do it and trust Him and do what I can do – which is love well and pray alot, and know thats where my job ends. And I’m telling y’all I’m sleeping better these nights than I have in years. Im not waking up with anxiety about everything I need to do, I’m not going to sleep worrying that I might miss a message from girl on outreach. I’m resting because I know my Father has this, He has them.

“I lie down and sleep;
I wake again, because the Lord sustains me.” ps 3:5

I rest because Jesus rested. Jesus was fricken sleeping in the storm- in the middle of the chaos. He wasn’t worried or anxious- because He knew who was in control. Through all of this, I am realigned with my true purpose in life- its not to fix everyone’s lives or save girls from trafficking, Its loving Jesus and loving His people and watching Him come through with victories. Its that simple. Through the resting and connecting my heart to His again- I have fallen in love with Him all over again. Its like the first time I met Him. Im all giddy again. Because I’m where I belong- in His presence– not stressing or worrying. Spending time with Him has to be my biggest priority because its what sustains me. I won’t survive here if I don’t. He’s sustaining me, He’s renewing me, & He’s refreshing me. I tell Him when I’m worrying about something and then I rest because I know He has the power to do something about it.

no more striving just abiding

I am loving this season- in all its crazy, in all its chaos, its bringing me to the most beautiful place with the Lord. The most liberating surrender. The most refreshing breathes. “Come away with me” He says, the sweetest invitation. I can rest because I know He’s got this. He’s going to bring home the victories and all I have to do is praise, be still and trust Him. He’s lifting my load. The pressure is off. Thank you Jesus

“I could sit with you for days, I could sit with you forever. No one could love me better” ~Jesus Worldwide Music

Glory

This week has been more than I could handle. It was the best week I’ve had here and worst week I’ve had here – at the same time. We had GREAT victories, but we also had great disappointments. I could feel the opposition coming as I saw the victories rising in the distance. My heart is still trying to recover from the week. So say a prayer for me please.

Yes, its been a hard week, but I want to brag about King Jesus for a quick sec. He has so graciously let me be a part of a huge victory with Him.

It was more than two months ago that I met ‘Glory’ while passing out condoms to those working in the sex industry. I knew the moment I saw him, that God had bigger plans for him. He was created for more than this. The first time I talked to him, he was very open about how much he disliked this work and how he wanted a new job. thats great I thought- I can help with that. So we exchanged numbers and I pursued job options for him. I was prepared to meet him again with job openings I found, as well as explain Shear Love’s barbering program starting in just a few months. I quickly discovered that his number was changed and I had no way to contact him. I was devastated. For two months I walked up and down the street I originally met him on- looking for him. I prayed for him frequently that I would see him again. I had almost lost hope of finding him again, when I saw him five nights ago- standing in the same spot I had first met him. I was shocked. breaking all the outreach rules, I left the team I was with and ran to him screaming & he ran back screaming as well. he said juliannneeeeee I am so sorry my phone broke. We talked for maybe ten minutes- and just like last time he told me how much he wanted a new job. I got his new contact and assured him that I would find options for him. Our team went back the next night and took Glory and his friend to get ice cream where we explained Shear Love’s barber program.

I asked so what do you think? he responded when can I start?

The next day he came to the salon for an interview, and brought two of his friends who also are in need of new jobs. these two men are christians and were so excited when we told them about the worship events that we have at the salon and red light districts. We interviewed them, and Glory started at the salon the very next day. The other two will start with us when we get our new building renovated in just a couple of weeks.

Seeing Glory at Shear Love on Thursday was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. In my seven months of doing this type of ministry, I have never seen anyone I know leave the sex industry and join our program. and I’ve sort of settled in that because its not about the numbers for me- it never has been, its been about knowing that every person I encounter knows that they are loved & cherished. but seeing Glory at the salon was the best feeling ever. knowing that he never again has to sell his body, never again has to say a price in exchange for sex, never again has to decide how much he is worth. I got to watch him choose a better life for himself. I get to watch him be proud of himself everyday. I get to see him thrive and learn about Jesus and the truths that He says about him. I get to watch him learn his true value. I get to go to the salon everyday seeing him be surrounded by such loving students and staff who immediately accepted him into the family. I can see he feels loved, I can see that he feels proud, I can see that he is understanding that he has always been worth more than a price a human could put on him. I get the privilege of watching him be made new. & its the biggest honor.

Glory said to me on his first day of school with tears in his eyes- you make my life better. Frick. then with tears in my eyes I replied you make my life better. what the heck Jesus. I cannot put into words how honored I am to know Glory. He has forever changed my life. seeing his transformation already has been more than my heart could handle. Its the most beautiful thing to witness & I can’t believe Jesus let me be a part of it.

I think thats what I have concluded- that I am absolutely honored to get to do this work with Jesus. privileged that Jesus lets me be a part of it- the good, the bad, and the ugly. I’m honored to be a part of it all. Knowing Glory has made my life so much better and richer than I could have ever imagined.

and the reality is- is that Jesus could have done this without me. He didn’t need me to find Glory. He had already found him & chosen him. His plans for Glory could not have been stopped. I didn’t do anything. This was all Jesus. I just happened to walk past Glory on two separate nights. Jesus did all the hard work. Jesus prepared Glory’s heart for harvest. Jesus led me to go out to the exact place and time that Glory was out. It’s all Him. and He so graciously let me be a part of this beautiful victory. He didn’t have to do that, but He did. He let me play this tiny role that has forever changed my life. what a sweet Father.

and I think what ive learned through this rollercoaster of a week is that I get to be a part of the victories because I get to be a part of the hardships as well. they come in tandem. its rare to have one without the other. and they are both an honor to be a part of. as hard as this week has been, its been a privilege because I feel like I know God better now. I understand more of His heart. I understand being completely filled with joy and completely filled with sorrow at the same time. I know Jesus better because of this crazy place. because of the victories and because of the disappointments. there is joy in both.

so even though this week has been tough, it has also been so good and glory- filled. and I’m honored to be a part of every single part of it.

Isaripaap

Jesus is crazy ya know? He never ceases to surprise me with His wild & fiery love. A couple weeks ago, I went to a worship night in the middle of the red light district. Actually at a building where we are planting a church in just a week. I had no idea what this prayer night was all about- I honestly just showed up. I was having a grand ole’ time dancing in the back with one of my Thai friends when I heard the Lord so clearly. He wanted me to go buy out one of my friends from a brothel down the street. shoot dang. He wanted to me to go pay her bar fine and bring her to this worship night that I had no details about. It was risky for me- what were they gonna say at this prayer night? what if they talk about bar girls? what if it gets too crazy? what if she feels uncomfortable? what if what if what if? what if heard God wrong? The questions kept flooding my brain, but then I took a minute to focus on Jesus, and new questions started filling my head- what if I do go and buy her out? What if God uses this night for her freedom? What if she feels God’s love? What if she hears truth? what if she enjoys it? what if I heard God right? So I turned to my Thai friend and asked her what she thought since she does a lot of outreach with us, and she said lets go for it. so we did.

For the sake of privacy, we will call her ‘Peace’. We went to Peace’s bar and told her our plan- her face lit up instantly. I handed over her bar fine ($10) which allowed me to take her for the night. $10 is what men pay to take her for the night. $10 is what men pay to do whatever they want to her. $10 is easily a trip to Starbucks. $10 is a typical price of dinner in America. $10 is the price I paid for a human being. Luckily Jesus had much better plans for Peace that night than what she is used to when someone pays her bar fine.

We walked to the worship night, holding each others hands the whole way. As soon as we sat down the person singing on stage looked right at me as if he knew exactly what had just occurred. He then smiled and the most beautiful moment ever quickly followed. He sang, in Thai, a song completely about freedom. Isaripaap. over and over again he sang this word- Isaripaap, which represents freedom. freedom for the captives. freedom for the enslaved. freedom for Pattaya. freedom for every man, woman, and child being sold in this city. freedom for ‘Peace’. I was undone. Everyone in that room was singing, dancing, and yelling for freedom. Then Jesus whispered in my ear- this is all for her. this whole prayer and worship night was put together so Peace could catch a glimpse of freedom. of my love. what the heck Jesus. it didn’t matter that I had no idea what was going on. He fights for His kids so relentlessly. He goes to greatest of lengths. Everyone in that room, whether they knew it or not, was singing, dancing, and yelling for Peace’s freedom. and she had no idea. She had no clue that everyone in that room was fighting for her. This is what God does for each of His kids. This is what He does for you and I. This is what He does for 150,000 people being sold in this city. This is what he does for each one of His children- relentlessly fighting for their precious freedom.

The night carried on with lots of dancing, praying, and crying. and I cherished every second of it. It still replays in my mind daily because of the beauty and depth that it held. Jesus taught me a lot that night. I had no idea what this worship night was about, but I didn’t need to know. All I needed to do once I got there was obey. and Jesus would take care of the rest. and He did. Peace heard about freedom and now she wants it for herself. Jesus is teaching me that I don’t need to carry the weight of all these girl’s freedom on my shoulders each and every day. Their freedom isn’t in my hands- its in His. Im just the vessel. the pressures off He says. and Thank goodness because I don’t know how to best help these girls, I don’t know how to best love them or what each individual one needs. but Jesus does and He will tell me. all I have to do is listen and obey. So Im learning to trust. trust Him with each girl I meet on outreach. trust Him with every girl that I have so deeply loved and invested in. trust that no tear I cry for them is in vain. that no time spent with them goes unused. I am learning to hand each one of them over to Jesus every night because the weight is to heavy and the pressure is too strong for me to try to figure it out on my own. So I give Peace to Jesus. trusting Him for her freedom. Isaripaap. He knows exactly what He is doing.

I can feel you lifting off the weight of the world.

In you is all my hope and peace. – United Pursuit

j o y

I’ve been back in Thailand for almost six weeks now. Thats crazy! Jesus has been up to some wild stuff over here and its thrilling to be a part of it. Its thrilling to be able love His sweet children so deeply and intentionally everyday. However, to be perfectly honest, these past six weeks have been tough! Its thing after thing here- and I’m learning that its kind of inevitable- these types of incidents are going to keep occurring due to the work we are involved with. Its inescapable. So instead of wishing the little things throughout the week would go away, Jesus and I are working on better ways to deal with the stress and how to continue to function even though I live in a constant flow of trauma. And what I have found to be strengthening is joy.

I began my journey from joy to strength a couple months ago, but I had no idea how crucial it would be here in Thailand. Let me say one thing first – joy and happiness are completely different things. In my experience, happiness comes from circumstances in life, but joy comes from contentment in Jesus. Contentment in knowing Jesus will never fall off of His throne. Trusting that He has not surrendered any one of these individuals over to the enemy. Holding onto the hope of glory. Celebrating that Jesus is King & claiming His victory for each person we see or interact with, whether they are ready to receive it or not. our circumstances here might not be the greatest, but Jesus and His promises are, so thats where we find our joy. Its knowing that yah, maybe the bar girl I’ve been praying for non-stop is still not choosing freedom, but instead of staying there and becoming utterly discouraged- I can choose to rest in the knowledge that she hasn’t left Jesus’ hands and that He has a perfect plan for her. This joy is seeing a child be exploited right in front of my eyes- but fighting even harder for her freedom because Jesus has already won the war. Its students ending up back in the red light districts, but not losing hope because we have 10 students chasing freedom in our classroom everyday.

“…for the joy of the Lord is your strength” Nehemiah 8: 10

Now its not forgetting about these individuals, or losing hope- instead its the complete opposite, its fighting harder, knowing that Jesus has not forgotten any one of them, and its handing over each one to His trustworthy hands. Its knowing that we cannot change a thing- we are not the one rescuing them, Jesus is. Our job is to love them exactly where they are at and I think its the best job on the planet. People tell me a lot “Julianne you just need to stay positive & look on the bright side” But this joy is not pretending that these things don’t completely tear us apart, instead its resting in the hope that Jesus will redeem each situation. That Jesus is still King over all of it. Its acknowledging & feeling the pain, hurt, doubts & all, but still believing that Jesus has greater plans and that He has not stopped working towards their complete freedom. Its genius really, because its what gives us the strength to keep going & fight harder knowing there is still so much God has planned for this city.

I’ll make it because He carries me. He sustains me.

and joy looks different everywhere. In America it looked like church ALL the time! Thats what gave me joy and helped me persevere. Here it looks like dance parties- lots of them. & coffee dates & game nights & lip sync battles & long talks that lead to sleepovers. Its finding joy in the small things like Coca Cola & chili chips & motorbikes & the noodle lady. Its celebrating the small victories like having a good cry with Jesus or eating our veggies – while pressing in with hope for the bigger ones that are still unseen. This joy is deep down in the soul. Its something that cannot be taken away from us- its knowing the battle has already been won & that that can never be undone. Its rejoicing over the fact that Jesus is King- always and forevermore. Dancing because He loves us & fighting because He loves them. Its crying together and laughing together & worshipping with other nations. Its acknowledging that a lot of things happen here that suck real bad and sitting in that pain for a while, but then saying “ok Jesus so what are we gonna do about this?” Its finding strength and perseverance in the simple joy that Jesus is Lord and He is good.

joy-strength

its the only way we’ll survive here

shine

Rise. Come Alive. Awaken. Shine

These are a couple of words that the Lord has been speaking to me as He prepares to take me back to Thailand. As He prepares to take me back to Pattaya- aka the ‘sex tourism capitol of the world’ aka ‘modern day Sodom & Gomorrah’. As I spend time with Jesus asking Him to get me ready, He continuously tells me “don’t be afraid to shine”. don’t be afraid to step fully into your passion and purpose. don’t be afraid to confidently walk in your authority. don’t be afraid to live in the truth of your identity. don’t be afraid to stand out. don’t be afraid to embrace your uniqueness. don’t be afraid to love deeply & intensely. do not be afraid to s h i n e. its what you were created to do.

“see us rising from a distance. there’s no darkness that could dim us”

He’s teaching me to not be scared to open my heart up again and love deeply, fiercely, and dangerously. Not to be frightened to let Him make me new. Even though its uncomfortable and intimidating. Not to be afraid to go to the hard places from my past and work through them- because He is after those places too. Even though I’d rather have nothing to do with them- God wants to use those parts of my past to make me new. He doesn’t throw anything away- He uses everything. He makes all things new. He doesn’t throw away the old and dirty and start from scratch, He takes my mess and joyfully makes me new. He renews, restores, refurbishes- using my wounded and dirty and tainted past. He takes us – all the labels, brokenness, & failures and remakes us. taking us from glory to glory.

He is showing me that I can be all the things He created me to be- all at once because Jesus loves who I am. He is giving me new confidence to be the unique, passionate, lovable, joyful, purposeful, bright daughter that he created me to be.

A couple of nights ago I went to a concert and the speaker (shout out to Christine Cain) spoke some real good stuff. She talked about the first two questions that God asked His creation in Genesis. The first question God asked mankind was “where are you” and not in the sense of location, but in the sense of: my child, my perfect, beautiful, passionate, lively child that I love- where is that child, where ARE you? Where did that child go that was just a second ago living in perfect communion with me and is now hiding in fear and shame? wake up, where are you? wheres the YOU I created you to be? The second question God asked was “who told you?” who told you, you were naked. Who told you were useless? who told you you were unlovable? who told you you weren’t worth it. WHO told you these lies and why have you believed them. As if this hadn’t hit me enough she began to tell a story of her daughter. She explained that her husband always told her daughter “you are intelligent, and courageous, and beautiful”. On her daughters first day of kindergarten, a student told her that she was dumb and ugly, and the daughter stood up, put her shoulders back, and replied “no I’m not- my daddy says I’m smart and I’m beautiful”. Goshhhhh. and I heard God saying- ‘Julianne, where are you. wheres the unique, confident, passionate, lovable, joyful daughter I created you to be. Why are you trying to hide and blend in? Why aren’t you embracing how I’ve created you? Why have you taken on the labels others have given you and ignored the ones I gave to you at birth? Even when you were being formed I knew your life had purpose. I knew you would shine. I called you beautiful and wonderful. why are you afraid to be all those things? and who told the lies that you were anything other than what I have said you are. why my love, would you believe someone else and not your Father? rise up. come alive. awaken. shine. do not be afraid my dear.”

Hes teaching me to not be afraid to shine bright, loud and proud. Not trying to fit in and dim the glow in order to please people, just confidently being His. Knowing that I am one of His bright ones, that I have purpose and power in the Kingdom. So what does it look to step fully into my purpose. What does it look like to love deeper than most are used to? What does it look like to walk unwavering in my identity. and what does it look like to confidently shine in the ‘sex tourism capitol of the world’? what does it look to live knowing that I will always shine, & that there’s nothing the world can do to dim the glow- its simply what God created me to do. I think it means to finally fully come alive. to fully live- not because of what I do, but because I know who I am. and walking in the identity and anointing that God put on my life from the beginning- i think thats what fully living really is all about. It’s about shamelessly shining.

“I ride the dawn, its the name I was given. can’t get away from the meaning- I’ll always rise, I’ll always shine. In a blackout- I will illuminate the dark. You WONT escape the beaming. I will glimmer I will glow. Light of the world- its the name we’ve been given- cant get away from the vision- we are cities on a hill” -Steffany Gretzinger

the in-between

nope. I don’t like this one bit. I still wake up sad that I’m here in America and not in Asia. I don’t like that I still have three months until I can go back. I don’t like the anxiety of waiting- sitting here restless with nothing to do. I don’t like that I’m still experiencing reverse culture shock and still figuring out the whole re-entry thing ( which I doubt I’ll ever fully get a grip on either one). I don’t like that I still constantly feel like an outsider. I don’t like that no one knows what to do with me, or how to relate. I don’t like that people are insensitive to the work I do. I don’t like the waiting process, the stillness, the recovery and healing, the feeling and dealing with the trauma, the hurt, & the loss, the processing and thinking and talking and figuring out what the heck just happened. I don’t like the in-between season that I am in. From one grand adventure to the next, I’m slowly realizing this season in itself is an adventure, though one of which I’m not a fan of.

So here I am, in this season of waiting. Feeling completely restless and ready to leave. And I would leave tomorrow, but Jesus clearly spoke ‘wait, I have something for you right here in this in-between’. God has brought me to this season of stillness. This season of recovery & healing & resting & feeling & dealing. A season of rediscovering myself. A season where Jesus is picking me up off the floor & giving me strength to dance & live & laugh again. A season where I realized a part of me died while being overseas and then understanding that that might not be such a bad thing- for I am a new creation. A season of convictions and revelations and romances with the King. A season where I can no longer hide behind my travels, or ministry, or a screen. Where all my sins & struggles & issues are surfacing and everyone is around to watch it happen. A season where I am a complete emotional wreck. A season where I wear a huge target for the enemy as I feel him doing whatever he can to stop me from moving and going and doing. Where he fills my head with lies that my time home is pointless and meaningless because I’m not moving or going or doing a n y t h i n g.

I’m at a standstill and I don’t like it at all.

But Jesus, during this time isn’t asking me to move or go or do a n y t h i n g. He is asking me to stay & be & dwell with Him. He is showing me the purpose and beauty of the stillness. He is teaching me that resting in His nearness is the best thing I could do and in His presence is the best place I could be. That I can pour out my heart & pain & tears to Him because He feels the same. He is teaching me that this season is essential for the next. That I need to stay a bit longer and heal & feel & grieve & process & recover with people that love me so dearly. He asks me to draw near and stay in His arms as He romances me back to life. He is teaching me to be present in the peace that comes in the ‘now’. That this is the best way to process the past and prepare for the future. To enjoy community & family & friends. To trust His holy leadership as my Father that this is where I need to be in this moment. Holding onto the promises and truths that He speaks louder than the any lie the enemy whispers. He’s teaching me that contentment is not a place or season but it is Him. That joy is not circumstantial , but it is Him. Its the constantly delighting in the Lord as He delights in me. I’ll tell ya, I’ve traveled the world once or twice but I’ve never found anything sweeter or stronger or better than being & living & dwelling in His love.

“Remain in my love” John 15:9

He is teaching me not to be in a hurry to escape the discomfort of the in-between but to embrace this season of stillness. To find peace knowing that seeking Him is my only priority. Reminding me that I live is to worship Him and right now worshiping Him looks like waiting and drawing close. He is teaching me a lot about my worth. Where do I put mine? where does it come from? They are worth it, am I? And a lot about my identity. and I realized that somewhere in the last year I lost a part of myself. A friend I served in Thailand with put it nicely “its not that we lost ourselves, its that we found our selves too much in something else”. That we found our worth and identity too heavily in our ministry and calling and that when all of that was ripped from us, we didn’t know who the heck we were. what our lives were about, or what we were supposed to do.

“…and in Christ you have been brought to fullness” Colossians 2:10

As I sit here completely bare before the Father, He continuously and patiently reminds me whose I am. That I am His first and foremost. I am made complete in Him. In His arms. That I am not limited to my calling and that that’s not what gives me purpose or life. My life has purpose simply because of whose I am, not what I do. I am found in the One that called me, not the calling. I am a co-heir of the King who loves me with a most intense and furious and tender love that I could never fully comprehend. and I am found solely in Him, my identity is found solely in Him, my worth is found solely in Him. And its in this season where I feel completely useless that God gently reminds me that I am purposeful, valuable, loved, & cherished even in the stillness, even when all is stripped, even in the waiting- because my value doesn’t change. I am of the same valuable as I sit here basking in the glory of the King or as I travel the world declaring the glory of the King to the nations. and its because I know this that I can share this message of truth with others. Its foundational. Its one of the reasons for this season of waiting. Re-discovering who I am, apart from my ministry, calling, and passion. The one thing that remains when all of that is stripped away is Him. I am His forevermore, no matter what, no matter where. This is truth. My life has purpose and value because I am His. His daughter. His bride. His prize. His vessel to use however He best sees fit.

Its only when I’m fully found in Him that I can fully feel, fully serve, fully give, fully love, and fully step into my calling.

So I’ll sit here, resting & dwelling & waiting & enjoying the contentment of the Father’s arms as He patches me up and makes me new. As we laugh together, cry together, dance together and delight in each other. I’m learning to rejoice in this season because its good- even if I don’t like it. to embrace this season and all the fullness & beauty & pain & discomfort that it has to offer. Because He is good and I choose to trust Him.

I am His beloved & He has me where He wants me- that’s something to rejoice in.

the one

To bring truth to the lost & hurting. That’s my call. God has given me a heart for the one. For the individual right in front of me. To see that person through the eyes and heart of Jesus.

I feel honored that God has given me such a precious piece of Him. He has quite literally shared His heart for the lost and hurting. He has shared with me His thoughts about the thirteen year old girl standing on the side of the road forced to sell her body. He tells me that she is beautiful and lovely and worth so much more than any price a man could offer her for sex. God has shared His pain and tears with me for the 20 year old girl being abused and exploited right in front of my eyes. Now I know when I cry for His people I am crying His tears-feeling His pain for His hurting children. Because they are His children, His sons and daughters being exploited right in front of me, right in front of Him- how painful that is and now I get it, I understand why it hurts so bad. I know when my heart is torn apart it is because His is too, and has been for some time now. It’s a precious gift that I will treasure forever. To feel Gods heart for His children all across the world. the same love that drove Jesus to the cross to lay down His life for us drives me to lay down my life – whatever it may look like- for God’s beloved people. To give everything I have so that one may feel loved and know the truth that she or he is loved deeper than I could ever put into words. Just as Jesus chases after the one so will I. Just as Jesus gave up His life to love the one so will I. Just as Jesus became broken so He could reach the one so will I.

He has given me a love for these girls that are trapped in sex trafficking, a love that is so intense and fierce and radical and reckless that I do not even understand and I don’t think any human brain can. Its a love that can’t be contained or stopped. Its a love that compels me to give up my American life and go to the darkness so that I can reach these girls. Its a love that drives me to go into the worst brothels night after night, knowing it will break me to the core, knowing it will destroy me, knowing its too much to bare, all so that one girl may feel loved and cared for. A love that pushes me to put my own life at risk so that my new friend isn’t forced to have sex with random men for a night. a love that compels me to go, no matter the cost, no matter the risk or the danger or the fear, no matter the heart break, sleepless nights, or emotional damage that comes. A love that sees the 150,000 people being sold that night but diligently chases after the one. A love that doesn’t make sense. A love that to this world looks completely nuts and illogical.

“There’s no shadow you won’t light up, mountain you won’t climb up coming after (them). No wall you won’t kick down lie you won’t tear down coming after (them)” –Bethel Music

When I was in Thailand, God gave me this song to sing over those being sold every day. To this day I can’t hear this song without crying because I now understand this reckless love that God has for these girls. He has let me catch a glimpse of His heart that breaks daily for them. I had a conversation with the Lord a while back as I was trying to understand the craziness of this love. I began to tell Him how painful and crippling the love I have for these women is, how it feels like it could kill me and break me beyond repair, and He responded with “well, it did break me, it actually did kill me.” And I was stunned. wow He really will stop at nothing to get to them, to get to us. He paid it all and I’m prepared to do the same.

“God is not crazy, the way He loves however, is exactly that. God is utterly unconcerned with the consequence with regard to His own safety, comfort, and well being. His love doesn’t consider Himself first. He doesn’t wonder what He will gain or lose by putting Himself on the line. His love isn’t cautious or careful. It’s a call for death. He gives Himself away again & again & again. He doesn’t care what it’ll cost Him, He is willing to lay down his life to get their heart.” – Cory Asbury

This is the love I am after, this is the love Jesus has shared with me for His children. And this is why I have to go. I am not telling you guys all of this for any reason other than that you might understand a little bit of what I am about to tell you next. I am moving to Asia- for a while- to chase after these girls that the Lord and I love so recklessly. I can no longer stand on the sidelines and hope someone else will take care of it- because no one else is going to. I have to go. in fact I’m overjoyed to go. So this spring I will go to Thailand to do outreach in the red light districts. I’ll spend my nights loving the men and women working there so deeply. and I couldn’t be more excited. I’m holding it all with hands wide open. So I am inviting you to join in on the journey with me in following where the Lord leads. Following His crazy radical love around the world to love the lost & hurting, the ones who think they have been forgotten.

“You may choose to look the other way but you can never say again that you did not know.” – William Wilberforce.

You may want to think twice next time before you ask God to share His heart with you (; jkjk but for real, it will ruin you for ordinary life.

On another note since I will be living overseas for an extended amount of time, I will need people to support me financially either monthly or with a one time gift. If you are reading this post and feel the Lord tugging on your heart to join this journey with me, you can do by clicking on the link below. Because I will be gone indefinitely, I am looking for monthly supporters but of course anything helps!! With the link below you can read more in depth of what exactly I’ll be doing there, and you can find a break down of my budget and the amount I am looking to raise!

https://jktravelsaway.givingfuel.com/jktravelsaway

HOME?

*long post ahead*

If you didn’t know, now you know…IM BACK IN AMERICA.

I felt the Lord ushering me to come home a little bit earlier than planned which gave me opportunity to surprise my loved ones! Its been unreal to be back here with them.

Although there have been times throughout this year where I would have done anything to come home, I found that leaving Thailand, and overseas in general was a lot harder than I anticipated. Many things in my life have changed in the last year, one of those being my home. The status of where home is has shifted from America to Europe to South America and to all over Asia. There’s a saying that goes “home is where the heart is” and of course my heart is fully in Jesus, but my heart is also in each one of these places. A big chunk of my heart is in Norway, where God shifted everything I ever thought I knew and built me back up to be the woman I was always meant to be. To experience true freedom and joy that comes from deep down within, flowing from Jesus. Where I experienced the deepest love from Jesus and from so many of His people. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so loved. Where I snot cried on countless different floors for countless hours because I was so undone by all that Jesus is. Where sleeping in storage closets turned out to not be so bad because I had the most amazing friends. A part of my heart will always be in Cyprus where I saw numerous refugees and tourists coming to Jesus and being healed as the gospel was going out everywhere I looked. Where God taught me that living on a mission is a lifestyle not just a season or a year. There’s a chunk of my heart in the tiny church in Colombia where I cried and prayed with people for almost an hour. That’s where God showed me the beauty in the pain of my recovery process, that through my healing and hurt, I could identify with the pain of others even if we didn’t speak the same language. And then the tiny village slum in Mexico where I got to hold the young girl that God gave me a dream about the night before and show her that her Father loves her abundantly. Even though it was a really rough time, there will always be a part of my heart in Indonesia, whether it be the little orphanage I lived at in Jakarta, the prison where I befriended the sweetest Thai woman in Bali, or the dressing room of a strip club where I shared the love of Jesus with the nicest Indonesian girl. I think maybe the biggest part of my heart has been left with all the women I’ve come to truly love in the red light districts of Pattaya, Thailand, where I have loved harder than I ever thought possible. Where my heart was w r e c k e d every night (and every day still) as I spent countless hours with these women forced to work in the sex industry. As I saw what they go through daily, and listened to them telling me their dreams and aspirations but watched them continue selling themselves in order to provide for their families. My heart is scattered in the nations and I like it that way. I love my new home, the places and people I’ve been able to leave my heart with. This is my home, the spontaneous, challenging, wild, and simple life of running around the world with Jesus and for Jesus.

So I’m not really coming home as much as I am leaving home to go back to a place I once knew, but will now be a complete foreigner in. And I think that’s why its so hard to leave the nations and go back to America, because I know America is not home anymore. Just as I missed America when I left it for the first time in January, I’m gonna miss being overseas. I’ll be homesick for a while, so give me grace when it comes to adjusting back into convenient life of living in America. I have fallen in love with culture, languages, and people and I’m not gonna lie, it scares me to death thinking about not having people come up to me every other minute trying to speak a foreign language to me, or better yet them laughing at me when I try to speak the few words I know of the native language.

Not only has my home shifted, but my normal has shifted. It has shifted from needing a bed to sleep in, to sleeping on church floors in Denmark and airport floors in Malaysia and being completely content with that. It has shifted from being too picky to ever try anything new, to eating whatever I can get my hands on for the mere sake of survival. Its taking cold showers with horrible water pressure and being totally okay with that. Its motorbikes and tuk tuks, and killing cockroaches and knowing that its okay that I’m terrified of them. My normal is sharing the love of Jesus in the bars, brothels, streets, prisons, and orphanages of developing countries. Its loving the prostitute, the trafficked, the orphan, the convict, the lost, the hurting, and the homeless with such intense love that nearly destroys me everytime. Its shamelessly wearing the same outfit four times a week and carrying the little bit that I do own on my back. Its clotheslines and instant coffee. Its fruit stands and the noodle lady. Its being content with the little we have. Its learning to tolerate ALOT of uncomfort and keep enduring even though it feels like it could kill you. Its voluntarily walking into the heaviest and darkest places that exist no matter the danger it holds, because you know you carry the victory of Jesus with you. This has become my new norm and boy have I come to love it. Its simple, its fun, its the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and its wildly captivating. While there are some things that I will not miss like squatty potties, bucket showers, and the 90% humidity of southeast Asia, there is PLENTY that I’m gonna miss like crazy. I love the simplicity of life in these countries. Where you have to work a little harder to get most things cause they’re not right at your fingertips. Where you have one maybe two choices at the grocery store (?more like 7 eleven or family mart) instead of the hundreds I know I’m gonna have at Target. Where you get overly excited for boxed mac and cheese and reeses pieces after not having them for almost a year. Its appreciating the little things like community, family dinners, and movies nights (even if the movie takes two hours to load). Its driving home on motorbike and getting stuck in a monsoon at 2am and being soaked the whole way home, but really not being mad about it at all. Its the endless coffee and tea dates that are always life giving. Its knowing that even though we don’t have much, we have Jesus and we have each other and we are gonna be okay.

This has been my simple yet exhilarating life for the past ten months and I’ll be honest, I am not ready to leave it but God has spoken very clearly that its time for me to come “home”. That I have fought the good fight, I’ve fought long and hard in some of the darkest places on earth. I’ve endured more than most are willing to. I’ve seen some of the most devastating horrors imaginable and let them completely break me for the sake of compelling me to action, as God uses these sights that won’t leave my mind to build a fiery passion and determination to see the end of these injustices. And I feel completely beaten up, kicked around, exhausted, and torn apart. I hear God saying to me “Daughter, you did great. Now its time to rest”, as he picks me up off the floor and brings me to a safe place to recover, heal, and rebuild my strength. So in order for me to be able to return to the battle, and fight harder, stronger, and longer, I need to let God pick me up and take me home as He shows me how to embrace the p a i n of recovery that is so beautiful. As I heal from the immense horrors I have seen and experienced. I am returning to America stronger but also weaker than I left it.

“Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again: from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up” Psalm 71:20

If you are still reading this long post, first off thanks! as You can see transition back to western living is gonna be challenging as I grieve the loss of so many things while trying to embrace the new season God has me in. If your wondering how you can help make this re entry easier for me, trust me so am I! I have no idea how I’m gonna handle life back in America. I went to more countries and experienced more intense things in one year than most will in a lifetime. I’m gonna need time to process and grieve the loss of the life I’ve left, the people I’ve met, the parts of my heart that are now all over the world. I’ve only been home for a couple of days, but everything is already so unfamiliar and foreign to me, its like I have to relearn how Americans live and what normal is here, and its all REALLY overwhelming. I was stunned as I went back to my parents house and saw the abundance of candles that were laying around as I remember just a week ago how I would have done anything for just one fall smelling candle. Five nights ago I was sitting in one of the sleeziest brothels in Thailand, laughing with the sweetest girl forced to sell her body , and now I’m sitting on a couch safe and curled up with my dog and a blanket in the comfort of America, but its not comfortable to me at all, its foreign. I find myself observing a lot, as I remember what normal here is, and try my best to I take it all in, and figure out what to do with it all. I love the fact that through living in Asia I have adopted so much of their culture, and I’m really not ready to leave it. So give me grace if I feel like I need to take my shoes off before entering the house, or if I accidentally say ‘hello’ or ‘thank you’ in a foreign language, or if I want to wear my Thai pants or missionary sandals for the next month, or if I completely forget seat belts are a thing. Help me as I learn how to incorporate my new culture with western culture while seeing the beauty in both.

I am gonna need a lot of help processing this past year. There may be days or even weeks where I don’t feel like leaving the house, where I don’t feel like I can leave the house. And while I am an internal processor and could journal for hours, I need to talk about my experiences, heck I want to talk about all I’ve seen God do and all the unbelievable testimonies! I want to share with you everything God has taught me. So ask me questions- specific questions that help me think and process, but give me grace if I end up going on a complete tangent. Let me show you pictures of people and places that have captivated my heart. Ask me to coffee or lunch, and let me unpack everything that has happened. I need to talk about it, the good and the bad. Ask me to share testimonies and stories, and encourage me to talk through the parts of this year that were hard. But do not ask me if you do not want to know because the things I will share are precious to me, they are places I’ve left my heart, people that I have watched God love so radically, and stories that have changed my life forever. They are special to me and I don’t want to pass them around if you won’t treasure them.

I will definitely experience reverse culture shock so give me grace if I randomly start crying at Starbucks, or if I’m overwhelmed by the options at the grocery store. Give me grace if I can’t talk about certain things yet, or feel like I need to be alone for awhile. There are some days I won’t want to think about anything and binge watching netflix with a friend sounds absolutely perfect. I want to see you guys, I want to see all of you, I want to share everything, but give me time and space to process and grieve and adjust. Let me talk for hours and process through stuff, but respect if I just want to turn off my brain and watch a movie with you! Just like you want to know about my year, I want to know about yours! Tell me things! I want to know! Tell me things I’ve missed since being away from America- I’m gonna feel like a complete foreigner in my own country because I have missed so much and changed so much so be gentle with me as I’m at quite a fragile place. Encourage me and speak life. I have been to some very difficult places and have seen some very traumatic things. I have been on the front lines of battle for a while now and I’ve gotten pretty beat up emotionally, mentally, and spiritually- encourage me to rest as I embrace the pain of recovery and let Jesus heal me. My ministry has changed a lot over the year, but the foundation stays the same- loving others. I’ve been really good at loving others, but please help me as I learn to love and prioritize myself again. I probably won’t want to, but encourage me to take care of myself, remind me of the importance of that.

One last thing, I LOVE YOU GUYS. There is no way I could have endured this past year without your constant love and support. I hope you understand the incredible affect your prayers and encouraging words have had on me throughout this journey. Thank you for embracing me in this transition back ‘home’, I cannot wait to see you all!

Worth It

“We will go till the whole world knows that Jesus is alive, we will run burning with your love and fire in our eyes” -Lindy Conant

This last week has been the roughest one since I’ve been in Thailand and I’m learning how to embrace the complete brokenness of my heart. Its really a beautiful process to watch your heart be completely torn to shreds on account of another person. And yall, I mean completely.

Last night our outreach team went to a bar we have never gone to before. A closed bar. A go-go bar. A strip club. A brothel. Whatever you want to call it. We have never done outreach in such bars. In fact no one that we know of in all of Pattaya is doing ministry in such bars. They are too dark, there’s too much exposure inside, it’ll be too scarring. I’ve heard it all, but I knew I had to go because there are girls in there that need help just as much as the girls we normally visit. There are precious souls in there that have yet to encounter the love of their creator. They have yet to hear that they are treasured, priceless, and deeply loved. I had to go and share the truth.

We walked up to the blacked out bar as the security guard ushered us in. This place was the most horrible place I’ve ever seen or been in, but I will spare you a lot of the details. They seated us right in front of a stage of half-dressed girls dancing on poles with numbers wrapped around their wrists. The mamasan (female pimp) came over with a laser pointer and asked us which number we wanted. My heart broke. It was so dehumanizing, reducing their identity to a number. The three of us chose the girl we felt God was leading us to. For the sake of privacy we will call her “Hope”. Hope came and sat with us. We got to know each other over a couple glasses of coke. We told her we were 20 years old and with a huge smile she said “same same I 20 also”. At that moment I couldn’t quite comprehend how I was sitting with a beautiful girl my age who somehow got trapped in the sex industry and I couldn’t help but wonder how she ended up there instead of me. How am I lucky enough to not be in that situation, because I very well could be. Why is she there forced into prostitution every day and I am over here free as can be. How does that work. Sometimes I take my freedom for granted. That could so easily be me in there selling myself for sex.

We got to spend about an hour with Hope, laughing and getting to know each other. As she leaned into me with embrace, I looked down to her hand that had been holding mine all night and I saw the number wrapped around her wrist that we had been asked to identify her with at the beginning. I saw her hand and the number and I saw my hand and my thumb ring that quotes Jeremiah 29:11. At that moment I knew God was not done with her yet. He has a plan for her life. She is not too far gone-she is completely clean and pure through Him and He is not done with her yet.

“’For I know the plans I have for you’ says the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and future” Jer 29:11

When we are on outreach we are not allowed to show on our faces that we are upset, sad, or angry. The only way I was able to keep it together when I was in there seeing what was happening and the daily realities of these precious girls, was knowing that even this one hour with Hope was worth all the horrors my eyes were seeing and all the sorrows my heart was feeling. The fact that one girl felt loved and actually cared about for the first time in who knows how long made going in there completely worth it. As awful and hard as it was, I don’t regret going, and I will continue to go see Hope and girls like her to speak truth, because they are worth it. Despite what Hope hears on a daily basis as men ask her how much for sex, she IS priceless and Jesus has paid it all for her already, she just doesn’t know it yet. She will soon. She doesn’t yet know that she is free to be a daughter of the King and that’s the only thing that defines her. She doesn’t know she is royalty and worth so much more than selling herself for sex daily. She doesn’t know that she has other options than this. She will know all of this soon as we continue to visit her and spend time with her, allowing God to minister His love to her. She is worth having my heart broken over and over again as I see the truth of human trafficking happen to my new sweet friend. And God is worthy of me going back into these bars to bring His light and glory and claim His victory over each one of these girls. Its all so WORTH IT. Its worth the pain, the heart ache, the uncomfortable settings, all to see one person feeling loved.

Jesus you are worth it all, every nation, and every SOUL.

“We fix our eyes on your nail pierced hands that say ‘it is finished, it is done, you’re purchased with my blood’”. -Lindy Conant, Every Nation