“Follow me” – Father
“Happily” – Child
3 years into the ruining
“What have you done to me?” – Child
“…” – Father
I understand that Jesus calls us to carry our cross. I understand that he said we would be persecuted. I understand that it is not an easy call. But it doesn’t make it any easier to stomach that God called me to follow him and I gladly agreed and then watched as he brought me into the deepest despair of humanity. It is hard for me to reconcile a loving father walking their child straight into destruction. That part I do not understand. This is the tension that keeps me up night. And I think of the thousands of martyrs who have lost their lives for the sake of the gospel. They were obedient to the call and were killed as a result. That doesn’t sit right me. A God who allows his servants to be tortured? A Father who allows his own Son to be murdered. That is a God I’m not quite comfortable with. He is reckless. He is wrathful. and yet He is loving? He will do whatever it takes to get the one, but what happens to the ninety-nine? Does he leave them out in the danger of the night? Am I reading that right?
I am being faced head on with these questions because the consequences of following him interrupt my life daily. I am filled with anger at the things I’ve experienced since saying yes to the Father. and I’m filled with questions. God how could you let this happen? Where are you? What are you doing? Are you even good? Where is your justice? I trusted you and now I am forever ruined for a normal life. I took your hand and you walked me straight into the fire. How can you do that to your child? I cannot blame myself any more for my undoing, that is on you Lord. I submitted and it broke me.
I know all the right church answers: he uses all things, he is still good, he has my best interest in mind, he is refining me, but that doesn’t help or comfort. I know that he sees things from a different angle than I do. I know that he sees the end of the story when I feel stuck in the muddy middle. And even though He knows the ending of my story, I still feel him weeping with me in the middle of it. Weeping for the anguish he has put me through in the middle season. We see this as he weeps with Lazarus’ family-not because his friend has dead, because he knows he will raise him up- but weeping because of the pain that he has put the family through by waiting to go heal him. He doesn’t miss those moments, and he doesn’t rush them either. Even though He does know the joy and redemption that will come next.
For those reading this and concerned for my salvation, please don’t worry. I’ve never been closer to God in my life. I am not losing my faith, I think I am finally finding it. Even though I have these questions, I confidently know He is good and faithful. I also know there are sides of him that I will never understand, and that is okay. His ways are higher than mine forever & amen.