This time of quarantine and social distancing has provided a beautiful & miraculous stillness within my heart. The ability to sit down with the Father for hours on end with nowhere else to be but right in his presence.
I’ve been in this wrestle with the Lord lately. Actually probably for most of my life if I dig deep enough. Wrestling with my worth. my value. my identity. He calls me good and valuable enough to die for, but for some reason I cannot accept that. There are too many voices in my head that tell me otherwise. why I listen to them and not the Lord’s is the question of the year. I have been asking the Lord to help my unbelief. To help me believe what He says about me. To help me value his thoughts more than my own and those around me. Its been a frustrating but beautiful process and I’ve seen God be so present in the wrestle.
I’ve learned from the book of Job that God isn’t mad about the wrestle – He actually prefers it to me trying to say all the ‘right’ things. He desires honesty. and what a beautiful relationship an honest one is. So I’ve told him over and over again that I need help believing what that what He says of me is true. To no longer live in hiding but fully unveiled – confident that what my Father says about me is true.
Frustrated is an understatement for how I’ve felt not being able to convince myself of the truth. But boy Jesus is so good. I’ve become infatuated with fearing the Lord and what that really means. I definitely do not understand most of the concept, but what I do understand is this: In Isaiah 6, Isaiah in some way saw God. Whether a vision or a dream or something else – he saw God in His throne room:
“In the year that King Uzziah died I saw the Lord sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up; and the train of his robe filled the temple. 2 Above him stood the seraphim. Each had six wings: with two he covered his face, and with two he covered his feet, and with two he flew. 3 And one called to another and said:
“Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of hosts;
the whole earth is full of his glory!”
4 And the foundations of the thresholds shook at the voice of him who called, and the house was filled with smoke.”
Even the angels had their faces covered. Even they were not worthy enough to see the face of God. but yet God, this reverend King of the world, wants communion with me. He wants to come face to face with me. Now what does that say about my worth? He is holy and set apart and the one Who made all of this and He wants me to come close? He wants me to see Him. He wants to talk to me. Even the seraphim did not feel worthy to uncover their faces to Him, but God tells me to come to Him unveiled. What does that say about my value? He wants me to speak to Him and commune with Him. This almighty God who the angels cannot even look at. If that doesn’t make me believe that He calls me good and clean and worthy , then I don’t know what on earth will.
So why do I continue to believe the voices in my head and around me that call me anything but the truth? Why do I value those voices more than The Lord’s? To fear the Lord is to value His voice above all else because I trust that He speaks only truth. So what he says about me must be true even if I don’t yet believe it.
Everyday it is my prayer that He would help my unbelief, that he would teach me how to revere Him above every other voice in my life. To believe that my life has value and worth and that I don’t have to prove a thing to make that true.
If you are reading this and your are struggling with knowing that you have value and worth, friend you are not alone. God is a trustworthy Father and He calls you very good. Rest in that truth tonight and reach out to me if you ever need someone to process with.
