I can’t explain what happened because I don’t even know. What I do know is that our team was betrayed, hurt, and lied to. I was real angry for the first couple weeks I found out. We poured our hearts out and in return we were slapped across the face with lie after lie. Every time I thought about the situation, I was mad- which I welcomed happily because it was healthy & expected. Tonight I wanted to get past the anger and as I dug with the Lord, I found a heart that is simply aching.
What I discovered in this process was surprising – my soul longed to be with the Lord more than ever before. Nothing anyone said was helping, nothing I did to distract myself was working, but being with the Father was where I wanted to be more than anything. I never really gave Psalm 42 a second glance until I came across it in the midst of this chaos. The writer shares his pain “my tears have been my food day & night” v3. What I gathered from that verse is that as the tears streamed down his face and landed on his lips- it was the only thing his body was receiving- it was his only food. He had no appetite. Its intense but its real and I so respect this writer. Then he goes on to find consolation by remembering better days with the Lord: “These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go to the house of God under the protections of the Mighty One with shouts of joy and praise” v 4. He remembered that God’s presence was the best place for him. He remembered promises and joy and peace with the Father.
“Why my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my savior my God” v 5
What I’ve found is that through this pain and confusion and anger, being with Jesus is the only thing that brings me peace. He is the only one who can comfort my soul so deeply. My heart has been desiring more than ever to be with Him, to dwell with Him, to abide with Him, listen to Him, live in His presence. I could just sit with him forever. My heart is chasing after Him because it knows that He is what I need. I’m desperate for Him. and He is so capturing my heart, showing me His sweet face. Through all that this month has been, He is what my soul needs. My soul thirsts for Him over and over again- every morning & every evening.
You give me permission to sit back and listen to the rhythm of Your heart. So that’s where you’ll find me. Simply resting in Your love and Your love for me. I could sit with You for days ~ Jesus Worldwide Music
So this isn’t a sad post. My heart will be fine- it always is. This is a happy post because Jesus is real. He is alive. He is faithful & He seeks us out in the midst of our pain just wanting to sit and be with us.
“Deep calls to deep, in the roar of your waterfalls: all your waves and breakers have swept over me” v 7
Deep calls to deep he says. Even in the breaking, even in the drowning. Especially in the breaking and especially in the drowning- He is there, calling out to us. In these places where we can’t seem to catch our breath, I think our hearts find Jesus’ heart in a way that could only come from the breaking and the drowning. From the depth of His spirit to the depth of mine.
Jesus has been speaking to me continuously about dwelling with Him- its the foundation of our relationship. Abiding with the Lord is at the core of my being. I don’t know how not to. To dwell, to live, to abide, to just be with Him. Rest with Him, laugh with Him, drink coffee with Him, live inseparable from Him. That is my hope for 2019. To be with Him continuously, ever abiding and dwelling and sitting and loving and laughing and crying – He’s in the midst of it all.
I could sit with you for days, I could sit with you forever. I will give you all my praise, no one can love me better ~ Jesus Worldwide Music
So whether pain or joy, my soul chooses to stay with Him. Letting Him sustain, guide, strengthen, and dwell. He is so good & He’s captured my heart completely
“As a deer pants for waters my soul thirsts for you” Ps 42: 1