J’s Journey

“Follow me” – Father

“Happily” – Child

3 years into the ruining

“What have you done to me?” – Child

“…” – Father

I understand that Jesus calls us to carry our cross. I understand that he said we would be persecuted. I understand that it is not an easy call. But it doesn’t make it any easier to stomach that God called me to follow him and I gladly agreed and then watched as he brought me into the deepest despair of humanity. It is hard for me to reconcile a loving father walking their child straight into destruction. That part I do not understand. This is the tension that keeps me up night. And I think of the thousands of martyrs who have lost their lives for the sake of the gospel. They were obedient to the call and were killed as a result. That doesn’t sit right me. A God who allows his servants to be tortured? A Father who allows his own Son to be murdered. That is a God I’m not quite comfortable with. He is reckless. He is wrathful. and yet He is loving? He will do whatever it takes to get the one, but what happens to the ninety-nine? Does he leave them out in the danger of the night? Am I reading that right?

I am being faced head on with these questions because the consequences of following him interrupt my life daily. I am filled with anger at the things I’ve experienced since saying yes to the Father. and I’m filled with questions. God how could you let this happen? Where are you? What are you doing? Are you even good? Where is your justice? I trusted you and now I am forever ruined for a normal life. I took your hand and you walked me straight into the fire. How can you do that to your child? I cannot blame myself any more for my undoing, that is on you Lord. I submitted and it broke me.

I know all the right church answers: he uses all things, he is still good, he has my best interest in mind, he is refining me, but that doesn’t help or comfort. I know that he sees things from a different angle than I do. I know that he sees the end of the story when I feel stuck in the muddy middle. And even though He knows the ending of my story, I still feel him weeping with me in the middle of it. Weeping for the anguish he has put me through in the middle season. We see this as he weeps with Lazarus’ family-not because his friend has dead, because he knows he will raise him up- but weeping because of the pain that he has put the family through by waiting to go heal him. He doesn’t miss those moments, and he doesn’t rush them either. Even though He does know the joy and redemption that will come next.

For those reading this and concerned for my salvation, please don’t worry. I’ve never been closer to God in my life. I am not losing my faith, I think I am finally finding it. Even though I have these questions, I confidently know He is good and faithful. I also know there are sides of him that I will never understand, and that is okay. His ways are higher than mine forever & amen.

America. A beautiful beautiful land full of freedoms and rights. A land full of people I adore. A land that is supposed to be my own, so why does it feel so foreign?

A country that is filled with my loved ones. friends and family and mentors. A land that used to fill me, so why do I feel so empty?

A state that knew me since my birth, forming my worldview and beliefs and culture. Ive since traveled the world and can adapt anywhere, so why can I not adapt here?

A town that I grew up in, where my roots grew and grew and grew. They have now been uprooted, so now what do I do?

A home that is no longer my home. My home is seas away, so why am I still here?

you found me

you found me scared, confused, curled up on the floor.

you found me every time I tried to run away. from you, from my friends, and from my calling.

you found me when I thought I lost myself.

you found me in when I was questioning everything I thought I knew.

you found me in my doubts, fear, confusion, and pain.

you found me when I didn’t know where I was.

you found me and you called me back home.

back to you

back to safety

back to truth

back to communion

you found me and called me to you heart where truth sets me free daily.

again and again, you found me.

This time of quarantine and social distancing has provided a beautiful & miraculous stillness within my heart. The ability to sit down with the Father for hours on end with nowhere else to be but right in his presence.

I’ve been in this wrestle with the Lord lately. Actually probably for most of my life if I dig deep enough. Wrestling with my worth. my value. my identity. He calls me good and valuable enough to die for, but for some reason I cannot accept that. There are too many voices in my head that tell me otherwise. why I listen to them and not the Lord’s is the question of the year. I have been asking the Lord to help my unbelief. To help me believe what He says about me. To help me value his thoughts more than my own and those around me. Its been a frustrating but beautiful process and I’ve seen God be so present in the wrestle.

I’ve learned from the book of Job that God isn’t mad about the wrestle – He actually prefers it to me trying to say all the ‘right’ things. He desires honesty. and what a beautiful relationship an honest one is. So I’ve told him over and over again that I need help believing what that what He says of me is true. To no longer live in hiding but fully unveiled – confident that what my Father says about me is true.

Frustrated is an understatement for how I’ve felt not being able to convince myself of the truth. But boy Jesus is so good. I’ve become infatuated with fearing the Lord and what that really means. I definitely do not understand most of the concept, but what I do understand is this: In Isaiah 6, Isaiah in some way saw God. Whether a vision or a dream or something else – he saw God in His throne room:

“In the year that King Uzziah died I saw the Lord sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up; and the train of his robe filled the temple. ² Above him stood the seraphim. Each had six wings: with two he covered his face, and with two he covered his feet, and with two he flew. ³ And one called to another and said:

⁴ And the foundations of the thresholds shook at the voice of him who called, and the house was filled with smoke.”

Even the angels had their faces covered. Even they were not worthy enough to see the face of God. but yet God, this reverend King of the world, wants communion with me. He wants to come face to face with me. Now what does that say about my worth? He is holy and set apart and the one Who made all of this and He wants me to come close? He wants me to see Him. He wants to talk to me. Even the seraphim did not feel worthy to uncover their faces to Him, but God tells me to come to Him unveiled. What does that say about my value? He wants me to speak to Him and commune with Him. This almighty God who the angels cannot even look at. If that doesn’t make me believe that He calls me good and clean and worthy , then I don’t know what on earth will.

So why do I continue to believe the voices in my head and around me that call me anything but the truth? Why do I value those voices more than The Lord’s? To fear the Lord is to value His voice above all else because I trust that He speaks only truth. So what he says about me must be true even if I don’t yet believe it.

Everyday it is my prayer that He would help my unbelief, that he would teach me how to revere Him above every other voice in my life. To believe that my life has value and worth and that I don’t have to prove a thing to make that true.

If you are reading this and your are struggling with knowing that you have value and worth, friend you are not alone. God is a trustworthy Father and He calls you very good. Rest in that truth tonight and reach out to me if you ever need someone to process with.

God has been speaking to me a lot about growth and the process that goes into growing. Ive been learning about life and beauty and goodness and that Jesus desires that for me even if thats hard for me to grasp.

I haven’t been able to take my eyes of these green beauties for weeks now and I seem to add to my collection every day because they teach me so much. about life & growth & beauty & plenty. They physically lean towards the light which seems nice and pretty but their roots are deep, and they didn’t get deep over night. They went through a process of darkness and pushing through the dirt until the roots saw light and bursted to life.

This process that the Lord is taking me on is unfamiliar because ive never been willing to go this deep. but he’s after my heart. his priority is my freedom and this is how I’ll get there. growth growth growth and more growth until life spurts out uncontrollably.

Thats what I’ve learned from watching plants day in and day out. They have taken the time to be deeply deeply rooted –  not just be beautiful on the outside and thats what I long for.

So Jesus, the deeper you call me, the deeper I’ll go. Letting you tend the soil of my soul. Forever reaching towards the light. hallelujah.

“Open up you’re heart and let me in” – Jesus

Shame is a cruel cruel tactic of the devil. If you´ve been following along, you know that    I´ve been on a journey this year with the Lord. A journey of trauma and grief and recovery and pain and hiding and shame and renewal and light all in one. It has been painful and beautiful, but I wouldn´t change it for the world because Jesus has been so faithful through every step. He has never stopped whispering sweet invitations for me to come back to his heart. to come back home.

I´ve been in Norway for two weeks now, getting time away from the city. Time to let my body and mind and soul rest. Time to let the Lord do whatever it is He wanted to do in me. He told me to rest- like really rest. Like take as many naps you want kind of rest. I was INTO that. naps, decaf coffee, norwegian chocolate, painting, reading, walks to the coast, and more naps. jesus is sweet like that. he isnt in a rush for my healing. he is with me in. he wants to be a part of the journey. he wants me to let him be a part of it. So I rested. and I cried. alot. I think my body and subconcious finally felt safe enough to let some things out and its refreshing. I´ve finally felt safe enough to let some people into my heart. safe enough to open some windows and gates in the very efficient house I built around myself this year. I finally felt safe enough to even stick my head out the door a little. to let the world see me and let the light shine on me. It was a terrifying thing. its still a terrifying thing.

“Look my way my love”

Jesus has patiently held my hand through this process of restoration. Patiently led me step by step back home to him. even after I had hid from him for so many months. I was ashamed. ashamed of the effects of the trauma, ashamed that I had to take a break, ashamed how bad my anxiety got, ashamed that I don’t want to spend time with him because I’m ashamed. shame is powerful and it has done everything it can to keep me from jesus and from friends. Today I felt safe enough to reflect with jesus on this past year. How I felt alone, unpure, exposed, shaken, and confused – jesus showed me that he was there the whole time. he didn´t let me drown and he didnt let me burn.

I havent felt safe a lot lately. but here in the quiet of Norway, I felt safe enough to let jesus sit near me again. to tell him the things deep deep in my soul. the things that wake me up in the middle of the night. the things im afraid of and the things I’m ashamed of. the things I’ve seen and the things I’ve heard. I decided it was time to come out of my hiding spot and talk to the father. Coming out of hiding is scary but I know Jesus is safe. and I’m free and safe and sound to walk unashamed out of my protective house, face to face with the Lord – knowing that He has been waiting for me to come out of hiding for so long now. He has wanted to be a part of this journey, but I just didnt know how to let him in. I didn’t know how to let anyone in. but step by step, layer by layer, brick by brick, jesus is helping me take down the walls of shame because there is no need to hide from the father. He is the safest person to run to.

“Come out of hiding, you´re safe here with me” 

He´s patient and kind and full of wonder and I’m thankful I have a Savior who patiently, step by step, helps restore me to fullness. I’m thankful to be coming out of hiding even if its terrifying. Its worth it to let Him in. Its better to let Him in. He has been waiting for me to let Him in. Thats the beautiful thing of the Father. He will never force his way in, he gently and patiently waits for me to come out of my hiding spot as he picks me up and takes me home. He has been drawing me back to himself, back to home, back to his heart, back to safety and trust and beauty. I´m safe. Im home with my faithful faithful Father. Home safe in His heart, where I was always meant to be. hallelujah

“I finally feel like I’m living again” – the words I said to my roommate this morning.

As I was spending time with the Lord today, I could not stop thanking him. His goodness is astounding. His faithfulness is unmatched. For the better part of this year, I’ve been in recovery mode. Letting sweet Jesus sustain and hold me and build me new in the midst of pain. For the better part of this year I have felt very low, maneuvering through healing and begging Jesus for it to be over. Begging him to bring me to the other side already. Dreading every step of this journey. Healing hurts and I was very much over it. ready to quit and just move on, but the thing was that I could not move on if I didn’t move through. through the valley with Jesus’ hand in mine the whole way. through the valley towards the  l i g h t.

I was stubborn, so Jesus began to speak about surrender. again. and I said yes. again. and boy is he faithful. I didn’t know the power surrender could have. Surrendering what I thought this process was supposed to look like. surrendering how long I thought this would take. surrendering my dreams and plans and desires in exchange for healing, restoration, and peace. this exchange may have been the most liberating thing I’ve done. I was free. free from my own expectation of what this season should look like. free from my own timeline. free to give myself grace. free to let go and open my hands to God’s perfect plan. free from trying to figure it all out on my own. This season has brought a lot of confusion, but I’m learning to lean more than understand.

Its been a journey ill tell yah, but this morning as I woke up, I was in complete awe of the Lord. I finallllllyyyy felt alive again. He is faithful. He has truly brought me back to life. He literally picked me up off the ground and carried me through. He was there the entire time. He resurrected me. He saved me. He restored me. He made me new. hallelujah. He is a faithful father. and this is what he does – he brings the dead to life.

If I’ve learned one thing in this season, its that HE IS GOOD. he is trustworthy. and he is faithful to finish what he has begun. 100% I still have a ways to go and there is a lot more to work through, but I’m finally beginning to feel life again. joy again. light again. and its so refreshing. Thank you Jesus.

he is good

he is good

he is good

Hallelujah You have saved me. So much better Your way. – Upper Room Music

innocence, still.

The words the Lord has been speaking to me recently. over and over again. and I’m finally listening.

Pattaya is a cruel place, it messes with your heart, your soul, your body, and your mind. and it hardly ever lets up. I’ve seen it affect my heart in feeling pain so deep I could have never imagined. I have seen it affect my soul in feeling lower than I’ve ever felt. feeling heavy more days than I feel light. I’ve seen it affect my body with lack of appetite & trouble sleeping, and I’ve seen it affect my mind maybe most of all. through all the evil this city has put in front of my eyes. it doesn’t just disappear. It lingers for what seems like a lifetime as darkness creeps into my thoughts and dreams without ceasing and shame claims my identity.

It has taken a long time to navigate the impacts this city has had on me. Its been messy and confusing and harder than I anticipated. but Jesus has been so faithful through and through. I’ve seen the evil,  I’ve felt the heaviness, and I’ve processed the pain. all of the darkness my eyes have seen and all the stories my ears have heard is what began to fill my head. due to the constant exposure to evil and the heaviness that inevitably follows, I felt completely dirty. the flashbacks that would happen daily, the nightmares that would occur nightly, the panic attacks that would be triggered by literally everything in this city. I felt gross. I felt unclean. I felt polluted and impure.

I concluded that my innocence was gone. taken. and that I would have to accept that there was no going back. but Jesus told me something different. as I begged Him for innocence again. He told me innocence still. Theres no need to be given it again when it was never lost. I am still the innocent child full of light and beauty that I was a year ago. I am still clean. still pure. still full of life. still joy. still redeemed. still white. still His. and nothing can take that from me. no evil seen or heard can change my identity of purity.

but as I lived in the identity the enemy wanted me to for months. convinced that I was unclean, dirty, unworthy, and corrupted beyond repair. it was so believable. the enemy is so good at that isn’t he? making the lies seem so real. I was so weighted down and blinded by the heaviness that I began to claim it as my own, and I couldn’t see that Jesus was there lifting it off and offering me life daily.

innocence still He says. offering me truth and light. waiting for me to step back into my true identity. that the things I’ve seen do not define me. the thoughts, the flashbacks, the triggers, and the nightmares do not get to tell me who I am. the enemy is a liar. and Jesus brings me complete truth. so I’m choosing to wake every morning and believe what Jesus says about me. that no amount of filth can pollute the clear river of water that He has made me to be. no sin, no evil, no darkness can change the truth of who He says I am.

when the enemy tells me its over. you’re done for. I get to tell him that he’s wrong. theres hope & healing & beauty. 

“then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free” John 8:32

So here are some of the truths I’ve been meditating on day and night these past six months.

“Whoever dwells in the shelter of the most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. He will cover you with His feathers and under His wings you will find refuge” Ps 91:1,4

“I must let the perseverance finish its work so that I may be mature and complete, not lacking anything” James 1:2-4

“Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always. Remember the wonders He has done.” Ps 105:4-5

“The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing” Ps 23:1

“When you walk though the fire you will not be burned, the flames will not consume you” Is 43:2

“He set my feet on a rock & gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.” Ps 40:3-4

” I will build you up again” Jeremiah 31:4

“For He is a God of justice” Ps 50:6

“Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me” Ps 54:4

I hope these truths can encourage you that this is not the end. Jesus has plans & big ones at that. He will carry you through. You are not defined by anything except all the beauty Jesus says about you. I hope you feel the freedom to throw down the lies and shame and once again step into the identity that has been there waiting for you all along. Whether you’ve lost it for a while or you’re just finding it for the first time, it is there,  s t i l l. and nothing can take it away from you. innocence still. even here. 

When I look through my journal from the last few months, the words that I see repeated over and over again are: dwell, nearness, strength, help, peace, sustain. It  has been a very full past couple of months. To be very honest, many days have been filled with sorrow and grief. I returned to America feeling pretty low. broken in two. and beaten down. It had been thing after thing. and I was exhausted. BUT through this, I have found the faithfulness of the Lord like never before.

“I’m nothing without you. I’m barely breathing. Your heart is my refuge oh Lord. When I am tired and weak, Lord would you carry me? and when I’m feeling low, would you hold me close? when I am broken in two, pull me through” – United Pursuit 

As I’ve had time to reflect and rest, I can see that Jesus has been with me the whole time. He was and still is carrying me and pulling me through. He was and still is sustaining and strengthening. putting me back together, building me new, listening, speaking when necessary, and holding me so tight. he’s been so close the entire time, whether I recognize it or not. he has never let go.

“You’re taking me by the hand again, giving me strength to dance again. Your love changes everything”

What I gathered after spending days on end with the Lord is that I was angry and confused. I questioned his character and promises. surely he hadn’t protected me like it says so many times in the Bible that he would. but what I found was that he never promised that we wouldn’t go through hard times – in fact he guaranteed that we would. he never said we wouldn’t face sorrow, but he said when we do that he would be with us. and he would not necessarily protect us from heartbreak, but protect us while we go through it. he’ll be faithful to deliver us through it and strengthen us in the process.

“For he has not despised my cries of deep despair. he’s my first responder to my sufferings, and he didn’t look the other way when I was in pain. he was there all the time, listening to the song of the afflicted” psalm 22:24

“but now this is what the Lord says: ‘do not fear for I have summoned you by name, you are mine. when you walk through the waters I will be with you and when you pass through the rivers they will not sweep over you. when you walk through the fire, you will not get burned. The flames will not consume you” Isaiah 43

I hear him say to me:

I am with you

I will never leave you

I was with you in the fire

I am with you ever step

The promise isn’t that there will not be suffering, but that he will be with us in the midst of it. He’s my deliverer. he lets me walk through the fire, but he doesn’t let it consume me. he doesn’t leave me there. he leads me out of it. he is with me every step. walking with me, leading, guiding, carrying, pulling me to safety. when im feeling low or discouraged I remember the times he has delivered me before and it gives me confidence that he will do it again. I can trust his faithfulness. he is close and so near. and when my memory fails me I take time to remember all of the other times the Lord has led me to the other side. I remember his faithfulness and I know he will be faithful to do it again – never leaving my side in the process.

I can’t help but smile as I write this because He is so good. so near. so faithful. its a weird dynamic to feel sorrow and joy at the same time and I think its something that ill be exploring for a while. but I can smile even though my heart is hurting because Jesus is good and I can trust that. Its his nearness that’s sustaining me. Its his nearness that I can trust. its his nearness thats strengthening me. its him never ever leaving my side that lets me know that I can trust him.  he is so close. he said he’d be close to the broken hearted and he is. and because of that I can smile. I can have joy.

“You are with us every step, feeling what we feel” ~ united pursuit 

He never let go. He carried me. He pulled me through. He is close. He is good.

sweet love sustain us

if you are feeling low these days, take heart because Jesus is so so near. he feels what you feel. he’s not absent. he’s right in the midst of the pain and he’ll never leave. he won’t leave you broken. he always restores. let his nearness restore you. let his presence heal you.